Friday, December 5, 2014

I miss my mom.



It has been almost 16 years since I hugged my mom and told her I love you, chatted with her about a what is going on in my life, asked for her opinion, laughed with her about Lonnie’s never ending need to joke… it’s been a long time.  I think this year has been the hardest to endure without her. I thought it was when I brought my new babies home or other big milestones, but even though I desperately missed her at those times, this year I think I have needed her more than all those other times combined. 
Let me back up just a little…mothering is an ever changing part of my life.  For a long time I muddled through those physically exhausting years with little ones, but for a while now we have been transitioning to the more emotional adolescent years. This last year my older children have moved almost completely into this phase, while my youngest is still VERY MUCH a physically exhausting 5 year old.  That said in all 16 of those years I have not needed her nearly as much as I do now…. I am a fish out of water, I am not a naturally patient person—she was the most patient person I have ever known.  I need her encouragement that I am not completely failing. I need her to remind me that I was an emotional preteen/teenager too and hear her secrets of how she helped me through those years, I need her to tell me the things that only my mom would know and remember. 
I didn’t realize just how much I missed her until I had a random experience driving down the road.  I was running a quick errand when I noticed my friend driving in front of me. After following her for a few minutes she pulled into her Mom’s driveway, when almost instantly I was overcome with pangs of jealousy and tears of longing running down my cheeks.  I wished that I too could just drop by and visit with my mom for a few minutes, to bask in her wisdom and encouragement. I didn’t realize I had been missing her influence so desperately until that utterly random moment.  I apologize for those feelings of jealously but I appreciate the understanding they brought to me as to why I have been feeling so lost recently.  Now I can accept those emotions and work to find my way through this next stage of mothering without her.  It is true tears can be a wonderful release and bring healing to a broken heart. I know my Heavenly Father doesn’t want me to feel alone, so he has NOT left me alone but has always surrounded me with wonderful supportive women who cannot replace my mom, but are the next best thing.
I love so many amazing women that live all across this country. Each of you played an important role in helping me be the mom that I am today. Many of you have picked me up when I’ve felt like a complete failure, I love you all so much and miss you terribly. I hope a few of you might read this so you can understand how much I appreciate your love and encouragement… no matter how loving and supportive my sweet husband might be—I need the women in my life!
So here’s the favor I have for you all…to those of you still in the trenches with me please feel free to comment with some ideas of how you love and support your sometimes un-likeable teen/preteen. To those of you who have found your way to the other side any ideas that have worked for you would be heaven sent.  I would be totally and completely lost without my prayer and scripture study time…I know that this is THE most important tool we have as mothers. The next best thing on our survival checklist is a good support system—so thanks for being there for me, hopefully this might be something someone else needs to hear too!

LOVE TO YOU ALL THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON!